+++
UNCENSORED VERSION
Please follow us at Rumble (below) for plant-medicine topics or explicit drug use stories. Go there to find the full, uncensored experience.
[Transcript Below]
What someone coming into recovery truly needs at first, for sure, is compassion, love, understanding, and patience.
My name’s Chris, and I’m glad you guys are here because I can’t do this alone. I’m going to talk about tough love in the context of recovery. This is a really important topic for me because I grew up with a dad who embodied tough love. When I’m approached with tough love, there’s a sense of someone saying, “Hey, I know better than you, and you’re going to change whether you like it or not.”
It does feel forceful. It doesn’t feel loving or kind, especially when you come into the rooms new. I mean, you’re beat up, you’re scared. When I came into the rooms, I was emotionally beat up, frightened, and scared. And what I needed at that time was presence, compassion, understanding, and love—not someone telling me to sit down and shut up.
There’s a time and place for that, as I was saying. There may be times when a firmer approach is warranted, but firm doesn’t mean the same thing as tough love. A firm approach can still be delivered with love, compassion, and thoughtfulness. I have to ask myself: What’s my goal here? Is my goal to help this person, or is my goal to be right? Is my goal for my message to land with this person so it can help them, or is it to forcefully get my point across because I’m frustrated?
If I’m taking my frustration out on this person, their natural reaction will be to internally contract and emotionally protect themselves. And when that happens, the message doesn’t even get to them because they’re in fight-or-flight mode.
At the end of the day, I want to help this person. The bottom line is, this whole process requires patience and empathy. There’s a saying in recovery about wanting someone to “hit rock bottom” as a way to accelerate their realization and save their life. This involves creating harsh consequences and cutting off support. I’m not saying that’s wrong, but the delivery of that message is important. Again, I believe there’s a time and place to be firm, but what someone coming into recovery truly needs at first is compassion, love, understanding, and patience. They’re beat up. I was really beat up, and if you’ve been there, you know. Truly, the last thing you need is someone yelling at you.
I know the other side of the argument is, “Well, this person should be responsible for their actions,” and all of that is true. But if our endgame is for this person to get well and sober, let’s entertain other approaches. The idea is for them to feel seen and valued as a whole being, not just defined by their addiction.
There will be circumstances where boundaries and consequences are put in place to protect the person and the family, and all of that’s valid. But the emphasis for me is that it’s not just about the message; it’s about the delivery of the message. The end goal here isn’t punishment and shame.
If you’re a loved one, family member, or friend, chances are this person has done some damage, and there are going to be hurt feelings. There will be a natural instinct to express that, but all it does is relieve you. It does nothing to further the cause of this person getting well. In fact, it may make them see you as the enemy, when really, we’re all on the same side here.
And if all that’s being asked of me with regard to tough love is to maybe tailor the delivery a little bit, that’s not a big ask.
