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[Transcript Below]My name’s Chris, and I’m glad you guys are here because I can’t do this alone. Anger issues and resentment, it’s something I’ve struggled with my entire adult life. I didn’t even know I had anger issues until I came into recovery, to be honest with you. I always thought the world pissed me off and it needed to make things right with me.
Yeah, I also didn’t think I had anger issues because I’m not the kind of guy who’s punching holes through walls or being really physically violent or anything like that. I have my dad’s version of anger that imprinted on me, which is raising my voice. So I raised my voice like my dad did, and I can imagine his dad did too. So…
Anger is definitely one of those things that gets handed down generation to generation. Just the other day, I had a close friend of mine and colleague come to me. He more or less said that some colleagues of ours felt scared to approach me. They had come to him, saying something about how I can be harsh with words or have sharp edges sometimes. Maybe that’s the way of putting it. Well, I pride myself in thinking that I’m evolved and peaceful and kind.
I believe all those things are true, but it’s embarrassing to hear that I’m not always that way because I put a lot of effort into it. I put a lot of work into it. And frankly, it’s important to me. On the other hand, it hurt me to think that some people I cared about were scared to approach me about something, that they felt they couldn’t do that. And then the other thing I was faced with was feeling angry at the messenger. Pissed off because…
He didn’t deliver this message in a way that I maybe would have wanted. My big problem really isn’t the message; it’s my delivery. And here I am, getting mad, angry at him. Not in the moment—I wasn’t angry then. But I went home, and it just started to sink in. I woke up with this emotional hangover. I woke up feeling angry, feeling embarrassed, feeling hurt. I guess shame. Shame and guilt, just for not being a better man.
So, you know, for me, I’ve been in recovery for a long time, and I’m still not, I guess, Buddha or Jesus. And by the way, so I get this information, and I have to say, I am proud of what I did with it because I was taught to get into the solution. Despite my feelings, despite how I felt about the message—because I wasn’t feeling so great about it—the very next day I went to each of these people and made things right with them. I made amends. For me, what that looks like is I acknowledged my part, what I had done, and I told them how I wanted to make things right. It wasn’t just an apology. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with giving an apology, as long as there’s an acknowledgment that I screwed up, coupled with, “This is what I’m going to do about it.”
Like I said, in a different episode, I’ll get into my daddy issues and the anger stuff, where I get it from, and my whole journey with that. But this video isn’t that. This video is just getting right to the meat and potatoes of what we do in recovery, what I do in recovery, how I get into the solution. Yeah, and I mean, for me, this is just improvement one inch at a time. Because I know how far I’ve traveled. I know what my anger issues looked like 10 years ago, 20 years ago, even five years ago, three years ago, and what they are now.
And I’m really proud of how far I’ve come. But I’d be lying to you if I told you I made leaps and bounds and it was an overnight thing. It’s been one inch, inch by inch. And it’s also true, you know, three steps forward, two back kind of thing. So before I get into the solution, I want to talk real quick about resentment’s role in addiction and recovery. Resentment plays a significant role in both addiction and recovery, often acting as both a cause and a consequence of addictive behaviors.
I’ve got my little note cards here, so just bear with me. I’m going to read off these.
Both Ram Dass and Russell Brand discuss how resentment exacerbates—don’t know if I pronounced that right—but exacerbates the spiritual disconnection at the heart of addiction. This disconnection creates a sense of separation from one’s true self, increasing the emotional and spiritual isolation that drives addiction. Ram Dass emphasizes that this sense of separateness keeps individuals trapped in a cycle of reactivity, continually seeking temporary relief through substances. I think you might be onto something.
Shame, guilt, and resentment are drivers of addiction. Steve Gill, in Addiction: Don’t Let the Bear Catch You, explains that shame and guilt from one’s addictions fuel resentment, both toward oneself and others. This leads to a vicious cycle where individuals, feeling alienated, turn to addictive behaviors to escape their emotional pain, further deepening their isolation. Resentment as an emotional trigger.
Rather than providing relief, alcohol only intensifies these emotions, causing greater depression, anxiety, and anger, thus perpetuating the cycle of addiction. Eckhart Tolle highlights how resentment can distort an individual’s perception of reality, leading to toxic thought patterns.
In the context of addiction, this distortion creates a victim mindset, driving individuals further into self-destructive behaviors as they attempt to escape their own negative thinking. Recovery programs like the Twelve Steps emphasize the importance of resolving resentment through spiritual practices such as moral inventory and making amends, as outlined in Back to Basics by Wally P. I highly recommend this book, by the way. This process helps individuals release long-held anger, preventing relapse and breaking the cycle of addiction.
Community and support as antidotes. Ram Dass and Back to Basics both stress that resentment thrives in isolation, making community support essential for healing. And just to speak on this for a hot second—one massive benefit to the rooms of the 12-step programs. If you’re not in them or if you feel like that’s a cult or something, well, you’re not wrong, they are cults, but they’re the kind of cult that can help. They offer the kind of support that…
You can’t get anywhere else. So my suggestion would be you don’t have to buy in 100%. If you can go there and take 50% of what they offer, it’s a win. It’s a massive win. And again, you can’t get that kind of support, that community support, anywhere else. And any good meeting will tell you: take what works and disregard the rest. I don’t know.
We’ll see. I’ll probably cut most of that out, but… All right, let’s get into the solution here. That’s really the bread and butter. Yeah, that’s the bottom line. Let’s just talk about the solution. We don’t need to jump into it. We don’t need to get into it like it’s a hot tub. All right, here’s the deal. To overcome the powerful grip of resentment and addiction, the solution lies in addressing the emotional and spiritual…
roots of this feeling. And it is a feeling. Resentment drives feelings of separation, victimization, and pain, which fuel addictive behavior. So I’m going to say that again: Resentment drives feelings of separation, victimization, and pain, which fuel addictive behaviors. The key to healing is fostering connection both with oneself and with others. But I’ll throw in there—with a higher power.
Through practices like mindfulness, spiritual growth, and self-reflection. That’s sort of the official line about what’s the solution to resentment. I’ll give you a solution to resentment: Pray. I don’t care who or what your God is. If you don’t have one, if you have five of them, just pray. Pray. Ask for clarity. Ask for strength. Ask to do better, to be better. Pray for the words to make things right. If you’ve wronged someone…
Don’t waste any time. Go to that person. Say, “Look, I said this, I did this thing. I feel really bad about it. I want to own it. I’m not going to tell you what your part in it was; I’m going to tell you what my part was, what I did. I’m going to own it. And this is what I’m going to do to make it right. And I’m sorry.”
The other thing I suggest is get a mentor. If you’re not in the Twelve Steps and you don’t have a sponsor—or even if you’re in the Twelve Steps and don’t have a sponsor—get with someone who’s actually wise, who has what you want. Get with someone who’s spiritually dialed in. They don’t necessarily even have to be in recovery, although that helps. Find someone you can run things by, is what it boils down to. A good friend, a mentor, but someone who’s wise. Don’t go to your buddy who’s smoking weed in the basement of his parents’ house. I mean, just… we can do better than that.
Journal about it. I can tell you, when I remember to do it—I’m not going to sit here and tell you I always journal—but when I do, it helps me get clear. It helps me get clarity on things. Yeah, if you have no one else to go to, by all means, get a journal and start writing in that thing and talk to your journal. Talk to your higher power. Resentment and anger… we don’t want that to build up. First of all, it’s no way to live. I love going to bed at night. My head hits the pillow, and my side of the street is clean. There’s no better feeling than that. This spiritual path that I’m on isn’t about never screwing up. It’s about…cleaning my side of the street.
