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[Transcript Below]Damage I’ve done to the people in my life. I’m going to have to make that right.
I’m glad you guys are here because I can’t do this alone. Common fears in early sobriety: fear of slow progress or change, fear of sobriety itself. I want to talk about the fear of responsibility. If you’re anything like me, I went several years just partying and not having any kind of responsibility in my life at all. None. Like, none. Barely feeding myself, that kind of thing.
Coming into the program, trying to get sober, getting a sponsor, surrounding myself with men who had their lives put together— you know, all of them, all of them had a lot of responsibility in their lives— and that did worry me. You know, I’m like, “God, I have to do all this? I have to do that? That looks like a lot of responsibility. I don’t think I want to do all that.” Over time, I was watching these guys— men, real men— and the responsibility gave them dignity, gave them contentment, gave them a real sort of internal fortitude and strength. I think it’s necessary for us to have responsibility if we truly want to be happy.
Our society has gone way off the deep end with narcissism and hedonism and just doing whatever makes you feel good. I mean, you don’t have to be an alcoholic or addict to see how sick most of society is because of selfishness.
So, the antidote to selfishness is responsibility. Obviously, taking responsibility for yourself and your life, your actions. But taking responsibility for other people in terms of their happiness isn’t your responsibility— but showing up and just being a good person, trying to leave people better than when you found them. I mean, that kind of responsibility.
You don’t really hear about that in the mainstream, like, “Yeah, this is what recovery will give you.” Responsibility is one of the best things about being in recovery, frankly. The spiritual connection, bonding, connecting with people. One of the other things that came into my mind was making amends. That was something I was… I was terrified to do because I hurt a lot of people, not just physically, but mentally, emotionally, and financially.
I mean, like, how many times have you said sorry before? Yeah, quite a few, right? So, knowing that I would have to go do that, especially with my family, who didn’t want to hear me say sorry in the first place. No, they don’t want to hear it. They want to see it, right? Yeah, exactly. And that’s hard because it takes time.
And one of the things for people in early recovery, whether it’s alcohol, drugs, whatever, we’re used to quick fixes, right? I want what I want, like, yesterday, and I want you to pay for it, that kind of thing.
Making amends… I guess it depends on how you come into recovery. If you come into recovery without the 12 steps, making amends might not be on the agenda, per se, not in the same way. I think anyone can relate to the idea that if I’m going to quit drinking or doing drugs because of the consequences, and probably because of the damage I’ve done to the people in my life, I’m going to have to make that right.
That can feel daunting, just thinking ahead like, “Wow, there are all these people I have to face.”
Fear of long-term sobriety— the idea of forever— yeah, that’s a hell of a thought experiment, and that can feel overwhelming. So that’s why the “one day at a time” phrase is so popular in recovery. And frankly, as cliché and cheesy as it sounds, it’s very effective. There’s a reason why we say that.
Fear of facing emotions, fear of losing social connections and loneliness, fear of functioning without drugs and alcohol. One of my biggest fears was whether I would ever be functional in general, but also, you know, I thought I functioned better on drugs. A lot of people are concerned, “Can I even function without drugs in my system?” Because without them, I feel so messed up.
A lot of us start using drugs in the first place to self-medicate. Like, there’s something internally that feels off to us, you know? And so, when we take that substance of choice, we’re like, “This is how I’m supposed to feel.”
So, a couple of examples in my own life. I was still fairly young when I was trying to get sober, which means I was trying to date and find my person. Being around my peers, who would party like normal people, socialize like normal people— which meant some drugs, some alcohol— mostly just alcohol in my sphere.
At first, because I felt awkward, it would just put an awkward energy in the air, and so it would kind of make them feel awkward for no other reason. What I found later on in recovery is the more comfortable I felt, the more comfortable they felt, and it just became a non-issue at all. Once in a blue moon, there’s someone who has an issue with it, and I find that’s usually because they’ve had a really bad interaction with an alcoholic or addict— either a father, a mother, an ex, something like that— something that has nothing to do with you, but they make that association.
But it is awkward at first, coming into recovery and trying to figure out how to socialize, what to even do to have fun, to get used to just feeling different when you go out with people. Realizing, “Well, I might have to find some hobbies and interests and then find new people that like those hobbies and interests so I can have a shared interest.” I mean, that’s scary. That’s not an overnight thing. That takes a minute.
But if you surround yourself with people doing the same thing, it’s way less daunting.
